What domestic abuse is
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How to recognise domestic abuse
Domestic abuse is any kind of violent, threatening or controlling behaviour between people in a personal relationship. This includes a partner, ex-partner, or family member. Domestic abuse is also known as domestic violence.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 defines domestic abuse as “any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, threatening behaviour, violence, or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are personally connected to each other.”
Abusive behaviour can include:
- physical abuse such as hitting and pushing
- sexual abuse such as pressuring you do something sexual you don’t want to do
- controlling behaviour such as telling you what to wear or where you can go
- financial abuse such as not letting you have money or stopping you from working
- spiritual abuse such as using religious texts to belittle someone, forcing someone to eat or not to eat foods forbidden by their religion, or preventing someone from worshipping in the way they wish to
- technological abuse such tracking your phone or threatening to share intimate pictures
- stalking and harassment such as sending a lot of messages or phone calls, or waiting outside your home
- so-called ‘honour-based’ violence
- female genital mutilation (FGM)
- forced marriage
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. It is never your fault.
Find out where you can get specialist support
The ‘commitment whirlwind’
New relationships are exciting, usually with a whirlwind of activity at the beginning. However, domestic abuse can start with ‘love bombing’. This can include someone:
- showering you in gifts and compliments
- wanting you to spend all your time with only them
- making commitments very quickly such as saying “I love you” within a few weeks, or moving in together within a few months
A sudden change in an abuser’s behaviour, such as being inconsistent and increasingly controlling, may make you feel unsure about your own feelings. You might think you have done something wrong to cause the change in behaviour. Abusers do this to make survivors feel insecure and dependent on them so that it is harder to leave the relationship.
Coercive control
Coercive control is behaviour that aims to control another person, such as monitoring, isolating, threatening, or punishing them. This common aspect of domestic abuse can be hidden and harder to see. It can be difficult for a survivor to recognise or tell others about the abuse.
Abusers create rules for survivors to live by with consequences if these rules are broken. This is designed to frighten survivors and create barriers for seeking support.
After experiencing coercive control, it can be difficult for survivors to rebuild their self-confidence and make decisions.
Abuse after separating
Domestic abuse can continue after a relationship has ended. The first 6 months after the end of the relationship are often the most dangerous time.
An abuser may:
- monitor or follow you
- use your children to continue the abuse such as being emotionally or physically abusive during child contact, withholding child maintenance, or asking your children to share information about you
- use court procedures as an opportunity to abuse such as alleging to a judge that they are the victim, or intimidating you to prevent you from testifying
Call 101 to report crimes that are not an emergency or give information to the police.
Specialist apps such as Bright Sky can be helpful to record incidents securely.
Support from a specialist domestic abuse service can help you plan the safest way to leave or keep you safe afterwards.
Remember, anyone can be affected by domestic abuse.
Get help for women
Contact our Domestic Abuse Hub run by Birmingham and Solihull Women's Aid for:
- early intervention, advice and support at drop-in centres
- emergency refuge housing
- housing support and advice
- a confidential domestic abuse helpline
- access to legal advice
Contact details
- Telephone: 0808 800 0028
- Lines open: Every day 9:00am to 5:00pm
- Website: https://bswaid.org/
- Visit: Early Intervention Hub - Bank House, 36 Bristol Street, Birmingham B5 7AA
- Drop in: Monday and Tuesday 10:00am to 4:00pm, Wednesday 1:00pm to 4:00pm, Thursday and Friday 10:00am to 4:00pm
Get help for men
Find specialist support services for men
Clare's Law: Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS)
If you are worried that you are at risk from a current or ex-partner, you can make a DVDS application to the police to find out if they have a known history of violent or abusive behaviour.
Page last updated: 17 December 2024
